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Lost

06 May 2012 Leave a Comment

by kirahikaru in @myLife

That’s the very first word that comes up in my brain when thinking how should I title this post. There used to be a time where I had plenty of time and put things down into words was a way to vent out my feelings, clear out my head, and reflect on what happened. But ever since I’ve had these extra heavy commitments, I’ve long since stopped having time, energy or the mood to do any proper writing. Every time I’m thinking of posting an entry the sheer thought of wracking my brain to recount, organize and finding the right words to put it down itself already seems like a tormenting process. So yeah, then I was like “Nah, I need to relax. My brain needs it.”

But this time, I think I’m having too much on my mind to not go through it. Some time, I think I’m strong. Some time, I think I’m weak. But at this point, I no longer can tell.  There was once I decided that was who I was, what it was, and the way it was supposed to be and I gave myself up to be the puppet of society. Those were simpler time, I was just practically a walking dead man, an insignificant particle of society fulfilling his role and duty, nothing more nothing less. But eventually, when I was blessed with the fact I’m alive and given what I’ve longed for, and denied of (or at least that’s what I’ve come to feel and accept), every time – Real true love – I find myself fighting a battle that I was never prepared for. “The battle of faith” would be the right cliche to the way it is.

I think it’s not a complicated matter. Well, nothing is ever really complicated to be honest, it’s always us and our stupid ass brain who go around complicating things. One of them is that I think I understand people too much for them to understand me. And by people, I mean my companions, friends and family. When I’m having problem, and I decided to go to them for a talk. From the first sentence they articulate, I can feel that I almost can tell everything they have to say and pretty sure that I can put across the exact same thing in much better words. I could even tell if they actually understand what I’m going through or what I’m needing them to do. I used to think that this ability is my asset that I can use to help friends. And indeed, I have managed to help some friends from emotional suffering. But now I start to see that this is a double-edged sword. Because as good as it is, it’s also a curse on my emotional well-being.

I’m starting to wonder if there’s ever really a person who can reach deep inside my mind tell me “it’s okay” and my brain believe it and relaxed. Most of time, I can tell that people pretend to care (Well, if they’re lousier actor than I am.) I hate people who pretend to care and made a lousy effort at it that I can notice. In that situation, the thinking bubble in my head would be like “If you want to pretend to care at least care enough to do a damn good job at it. If you’re going to make my know that you don’t care anyway, might as well say right away that you don’t give a damn so I can save my time and stop talking to you about it.” That’s another thing about me. After being here for so long, I’ve literally turned into a practicality, productivity and efficiency freak. If I start to find that talking to you is a waste of time, I’d rather not saying anything at all. I’m neither fond nor proud of it. It’s just that 10 years is a good enough time it take for education to nail them down to your personality.

After all the emo ranting and bullshitting, I think in the end it comes down the a few simple things. I know what the problems are. Well, I should say I know what are the hurdles and that it takes times to overcome them but I’m just not exactly sure if I can still be who I am and what I am at the end of the this dark tunnel. Whether I can be a sane saint to my love ones. Funny thing, when I typed that, I can almost picture what happen if I were to say this to people. The stupid ass people would all be like “I know you can do it.”, “You can do it. You’re strong.”…blah blah blah… I can only give a silence mental reply to that, that says “Yeah yeah, whatever you say man. You’re the God you know everything. Now, I feel like dying and you still say you know I can do it. What if, tomorrow I jump down and die. I wonder if you ever going to use that sentence on someone else again.”

All “You can do it” means is just “F*** you. I don’t care. Bring your problem somewhere else.”

It’s been a long and stupid post but I feel that I does help me take out something…. for the time being. Time to sign off till next bullshitting.

Buffets and Stuffs

11 Mar 2012 Leave a Comment

by kirahikaru in @myLife

February was my budget month but I was lucky enough to have an awesome treat at the end of it. Because of the shopping spree in Jan I had to minimize my spending in Feb. And that means no restaurant outing and the regular month purchases -__-”. But fortunately, it didn’t turn out so bad. In the last week of Feb, somehow I had 2 free buffet treat. The first was not really a treat it’s but more like a heavily subsidize buffet Chalet. I practically spend the night gobbling down food and snack and playing Mahjong. Sounds like a good life. In the morning, the feeling of guilt start to kick in. However, I was too tired and sleepy to care. I barely manage to get myself back home without just falling asleep on the train. When I got back, it was just sleep and sleep…. for over 20 hrs. Sick..!

I slept for more or less the whole Saturday, when I woke up it was Sunday time for another buffet outing! (wait what? yeah again)…. I thought I was going to spending a big buck for this one because we went to this Korean BBQ buffet at Novena called Ssikek. But the outing turned out to be a birthday surprise for me. Totally unexpected. After a full of slumber I completely forgot that my birthday was around the corner. Anyway, it was an awesome treat from my friends. The meat there is super tasty. Definitely thumbs up.

Then on the weekend of the first week of the following week (First week of March), my and housemates hit JB for yet another food and movie outing. !!! I intended to there grab some of my favorite dry cuttle fish and some satay. But it didn’t turn out that way. We ended up having lunch at a Hong Kong restaurant which I couldn’t recall its name. Anyway, the restaurant was so-so only not really recommended. Then for dinner we had roasted chick at Nandos as 1 of our friends was craving for roasted chicken and Kenny Roger was apparently under renovation. I didn’t really like it either. I don’t I’d ever want go Nandos again unless I really have no choice.

After that, we window shopped for a while before heading for desert at Level 3 or 4, can’t really remember. I had milk shaved ice with chocolate favoring and my friends had manga shaved ice with mango flavoring, triple scoop ice cream crepe and banana chocolate crepe at Crepe For You. It desert was really cheap and good! Definitely the savior of my disappointment for the day. Before heading home, we bought some snacks back too! XD

So all in all, February turned out to be pretty crazy. My stomach is definitely satisfied.

Low Point

20 Feb 2012 Leave a Comment

by kirahikaru in @myLife

No matter what problem I have and how many thoughts on my mind, once I step into office I always realize that I still have people I need to take care of and live for. On top of that, the world doesn’t really care about how I feel only how well I can perform. So no matter how tired, moody, sad, miserable and sleep-deprived I am, I still have to look up and move on like nothing is happening. After all, life is about consistency. No one care if you’ve been good all the time, they only remember that one time you make a super damn big mistake. With that, give yourself a slap in the face wash it and start working…

Legendary

19 Feb 2012 Leave a Comment

by kirahikaru in @myLife

Recently, I somehow begin to feel so honored to be born in this era. The era where some of the worlds greatest legends are born and made. Why do I suddenly feel so? It’s because of the recent incredible events which include the rise of Jeremy Lin and Tim Tebow, and the Adele‘s clean sweep at Grammy. They have really taken the world to the new level of ecstasy and giving an unprecedented surprise. And not forgetting other legends in other fields of sport.

I’m not really that of a fan of basketball but at point in life, I used to play EA NBA on my PC and followed a bit of basketball. That time was the peak for the LA Lakers and I fell in love with Kobe Bryant, the Black Mamba. I still do love him. Then, my other favorite is Allen Iverson. And of course the current rookie that’s rocking the NBA world is Jeremy Lin.

In Football, which I totally don’t follow at all, Tim Tebow is getting a lot of attention even from a non-football fan. That’s how much buzz he creates.

In Music, we have my recent favorite Adele. I was just hoping she’d get something in Grammy. I was expecting a clean sweep 6 Grammies. When I saw the news I was like WTF! Yeah, anyway long story short she won all 6 categories she was nominated for, which include the 3 most prestigious Grammy’s categories, Record of The Year, Albumn of The Year and Song of The Year.

In Golf, we have the legendary Tiger Wood, well at least up to before his series of scandalous events. I still respect him as a sport man though.

In my recent favorite sport Tennis, we have Roger Federer, the King, and my favorite, Rafael Nadal, the King of Clay. And recently, Novak Djokovic is coming out trying to make his name in the Tennis history. Let’s see how far he can go.

In in badminton, the sport that actually play on actually court and not on computer games, we have Lee Chong Wei.

Then soccer, my other favorite sport, we my all-time favorites from my favorite club Ronaldinho, Xavi, Iniesta and Messi! Then we also have the great Zidane and Chirstiano Ronaldo.

These are definitely the people that bring a lot magic to the world and make us believe in possibilities. I’m just truly grateful to be witnessing all these.

I’m Fine…

13 Nov 2011 Leave a Comment

by kirahikaru in @myLife

I don’t know if it’s the rain, the work or just my mood but somehow, I suddenly am feel like I’m carrying world on my shoulder and it’s really heavy. While, I was only mentally prepared for the hectic work schedule coming this month, I didn’t expect to get myself into any other complication or distraction. However, like always thing never really turned out the way you expected / as planned. As soon as this month started, one big complication entailed. Then followed by 2 more, one after another. I was confused and unable to think straight these period. That causes insomnia and other stuff. Then I found myself struggling to stay focus on my work. I managed it somehow but it was depressing.

I tried very hard to fight it, hold my self together and appear totally fine. I hope things are over quickly. The weight is feeling very heavy now.

TEDx NTU 2011

19 Oct 2011 Leave a Comment

by kirahikaru in @myLife

It was held last Saturday at Marina Bay Sand Expo and Convention Centre. TEDx NTU 2011 is an independent TED events organized by a group of NTU students. A few of my friends are also part of the organizing committee. That’s how I come to know of the event. They have manage to invite a good line up of speakers on different topics from business and career to science and technology. I found most of the stuffs address in business and career to be rather cliche. It’s the stuffs that people have been talking and preaching about it over and over. For the people who care, they’ve already gone pass this and is already trying to achieve what these people are talking about and no longer interested in hearing them. As for the people who don’t care, they just like hearing them over and over and still can’t be bothered.

On the technology, Mr Wong Meng Weng who’s running JFDI, gave a pretty good insight on being a modern world magic creating magic with a simple crazy ideas. And he presented us with 6 crazy project idea he came across. It was both insightful and hilarious. However, I didn’t think he was the best speaker of the day. The best speakers of the day for me, are ironically the two speakers who were not there. They were just video download from TED website. One of whom is Seth Godin on being remark. Another I forgot his name.

Overall, the whole event was pretty well organize and up to standard considering it’s a free admission event. The tea break refreshment was great. The lunch not so much. But still, I’m thank for the free meal.

This week favorite stuffs

16 Oct 2011 Leave a Comment

by kirahikaru in @myLife

Well first of all I’ve completed 2 books, Blink and Have A Little Faith. I want to review them but with my current schedule, I don’t think I have time to do so yet. Will set aside sometime to do so soon. Great books indeed. I’ve learned so much.

Next is my new favorite Girl Band – 2NE1. I’ve never crazy about any Asian group in awhile, the last time was with After School. After hearing Lonely, Hate, Ugly (Japanese Version) and Go Away, 2NE1 is officially my most favorite girl band.

Next is the games and movies I’m looking forward to the most. And they are Diablo III, DotA 2 and The Avengers. I’ve been quite a fan of Diablo II at one point and played it like mad. So I guess it’s natural to be dying to play the 3rd installment of the game which looks really awesome! Same goes for dotA. I’ve been donating so much of my lifetime to this game. So I guess it’s only right to donate a bit some more to experience the upgrade. Finally the most anticipated movie, well if you’ve been following all the super hero movies. Then Avengers is definitely something you’re also looking forward to… because… they come together! hell yeah!

Lastly, gadgets. I’ve been looking at and getting a lot of updates on gadgets late. The other day I’ve posted about phone. So here is something else. I’ve been wanting to get a DSLR for along time. So recently I’ve been looking at some models to set aside budget for. After looking around I suddenly found myself interested in something that is not really DSLR. And that is the Sony NEX-5. It delivers the power and quality of a DLSR while looking like a large digital camera. However, it doesn’t quite do the job of DSLR. So yes, you can say it’s like a hybrid between DSLR and Compact Digital Camera. Anyway, yeah I’m going for image quality and many reviews say the NEX-5 delivers some awesome image quality, much better than a lot of low-end DSLR out there. However, price-wise requires some consideration.

Next in line is not something I want to get but definitely interested in it and that is the newly release Kindle Touch and Kindle Fire. I found out about these from my brother and one of my friends, who’re really keen on this. Definitely a cool gadgets with reasonable price.