Defeated. Lesson Learned?

I’ve been away from here for quite some time due to Exam. I was so tempted to write about so many things during my mugging confinement period but I resisted the temptation everytime. Well I guess the first thing I should be writing now is reflection on the exam since it’s still hot and heated in my brain.

Well, as the title stated, it went pretty awful. To the point that I believe that I couldn’t have messed up anything in my life thus far more than this semester exam. After today’s paper, I was practically covered with sense of total defeat and disappointment. It was a complete mess. After a few hours of sulking, I finally came to my senses again and began wondering what was I dreaded for? I mean since secondary school, there were subjects that I wasn’t able to perform even though I put the most effort in it. Not like this is sth new in my academic endeavor. I think the obvious issue here is that I’m so concerned with the fact that in university, every result of every subject will effect the quality of my degree, which logically should affect my career life, at least initially. Though it may not exactly be the case, but such mindset was hard drilled into me since the very beginning that I couldn’t ignore the possibility of it happening. Well, this is how powerful society’s influence can be. You ignore it, it ignores you. Choices? Face it or fear it.

I’ll leave it at that as I have no concrete solution to myself for that. I still do what I always have done. Go through it and try to make it out alive in one piece (emotionally speaking).

Next issue is now that I know I screwed it up, what do I do? break down and cry? Nah.. Never happen, and I’d like to keep it at that. So? try Invent time machine and go back in time and study harder for it? I might as well go and sell my time marchine and become a millionaire. Reflect, Learn and Prepare? duh.. this is a no-brainer for any educated person. So here it goes..

Reflect: I think I know just exactly what went wrong. Most of it could be corrected except for a few fundamental issues that snowball the whole thing. That is the lack of drive and motivation to excel, the lost of ambition to compete and the absent of sense of achievement. Why would I want to excel in sth I’m not interest in excelling in? Why am I trying so hard to fit in where I don’t exactly want to belong? Why should I battle so hard for sth I’m not proud of winning? Some of these questions do pop up every now and then, and they bother me a great deal sometime. Most of the time I shoo them away by telling myself that I should stay focused and work hard. To keep it short, the bottom line is do I hate my course? Well, I recently have a good answer to that. I like learning what is being taught but not studying them.

Learn: What do I learn from this experience? To never pull and all nighter before your paper, and drink 2 cans of redbull. It never work! I totally got pwned by Mugging for Dummies and How to be a Mugger 101 lol but I had no choice though. It was either do or do (lol the word “die” is pretty sensitive in my school now I shall not use it too lightly). On a more serious note, life’s like that. No payne No gayne yerrhh!

Prepare: Well, first thing gotta get ready for worst in my results, of course. And depending on how bad they turn out to be, I will have make up for it in year 3 and 4. All I’m saying is IF it is bad, hahaha I’m still clinging on to that little hope that it isn’t that bad although I’m usually pretty accurate at judging my own performance in study.

Defeated. Lesson Learned?

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