That’s the very first word that comes up in my brain when thinking how should I title this post. There used to be a time where I had plenty of time and put things down into words was a way to vent out my feelings, clear out my head, and reflect on what happened. But ever since I’ve had these extra heavy commitments, I’ve long since stopped having time, energy or the mood to do any proper writing. Every time I’m thinking of posting an entry the sheer thought of wracking my brain to recount, organize and finding the right words to put it down itself already seems like a tormenting process. So yeah, then I was like “Nah, I need to relax. My brain needs it.”
But this time, I think I’m having too much on my mind to not go through it. Some time, I think I’m strong. Some time, I think I’m weak. But at this point, I no longer can tell. There was once I decided that was who I was, what it was, and the way it was supposed to be and I gave myself up to be the puppet of society. Those were simpler time, I was just practically a walking dead man, an insignificant particle of society fulfilling his role and duty, nothing more nothing less. But eventually, when I was blessed with the fact I’m alive and given what I’ve longed for, and denied of (or at least that’s what I’ve come to feel and accept), every time – Real true love – I find myself fighting a battle that I was never prepared for. “The battle of faith” would be the right cliche to the way it is.
I think it’s not a complicated matter. Well, nothing is ever really complicated to be honest, it’s always us and our stupid ass brain who go around complicating things. One of them is that I think I understand people too much for them to understand me. And by people, I mean my companions, friends and family. When I’m having problem, and I decided to go to them for a talk. From the first sentence they articulate, I can feel that I almost can tell everything they have to say and pretty sure that I can put across the exact same thing in much better words. I could even tell if they actually understand what I’m going through or what I’m needing them to do. I used to think that this ability is my asset that I can use to help friends. And indeed, I have managed to help some friends from emotional suffering. But now I start to see that this is a double-edged sword. Because as good as it is, it’s also a curse on my emotional well-being.
I’m starting to wonder if there’s ever really a person who can reach deep inside my mind tell me “it’s okay” and my brain believe it and relaxed. Most of time, I can tell that people pretend to care (Well, if they’re lousier actor than I am.) I hate people who pretend to care and made a lousy effort at it that I can notice. In that situation, the thinking bubble in my head would be like “If you want to pretend to care at least care enough to do a damn good job at it. If you’re going to make my know that you don’t care anyway, might as well say right away that you don’t give a damn so I can save my time and stop talking to you about it.” That’s another thing about me. After being here for so long, I’ve literally turned into a practicality, productivity and efficiency freak. If I start to find that talking to you is a waste of time, I’d rather not saying anything at all. I’m neither fond nor proud of it. It’s just that 10 years is a good enough time it take for education to nail them down to your personality.
After all the emo ranting and bullshitting, I think in the end it comes down the a few simple things. I know what the problems are. Well, I should say I know what are the hurdles and that it takes times to overcome them but I’m just not exactly sure if I can still be who I am and what I am at the end of the this dark tunnel. Whether I can be a sane saint to my love ones. Funny thing, when I typed that, I can almost picture what happen if I were to say this to people. The stupid ass people would all be like “I know you can do it.”, “You can do it. You’re strong.”…blah blah blah… I can only give a silence mental reply to that, that says “Yeah yeah, whatever you say man. You’re the God you know everything. Now, I feel like dying and you still say you know I can do it. What if, tomorrow I jump down and die. I wonder if you ever going to use that sentence on someone else again.”
All “You can do it” means is just “F*** you. I don’t care. Bring your problem somewhere else.”
It’s been a long and stupid post but I feel that I does help me take out something…. for the time being. Time to sign off till next bullshitting. 😉